We are on our last day of our trip to the Detroit area to attend Steve’s nephew’s wedding. It’s been a wonderful trip filled with all kinds of love–wedding love, family love, and love of exploration. Now, it’s time to pack up. We’ll have lunch with friends in Ann Arbor, then we’ll pick up our dog, Obi, and head home.

But first, I’m going to try to get today’s post published. As I’ve thought about what I want to write about, I’ve followed a pretty typical routine when I can’t figure out how to get started: I’ve sat down in front of my laptop, risen from my chair, packed a couple of things, paced, sat again, risen again, made the bed even though the maids will be changing the sheets, took a shower, sat down and stared at the blank screen again and finally, finally, started typing. But as you can see, it’s taken me several words to finally get to the topic I thought I’d write about today.

Fear.

This topic was prompted by a question I saw on Facebook this morning that I’m sure you’ve all seen before: What would you say to your younger self?

At the top of the list would be “Don’t be afraid.” That statement is at the foundation of so many other things I’d say:

• …to try new things
• …to fail
• …to speak up
• …to go against the grain
• …to travel alone
• …to speak and write my truth
• …to follow my passions
• …to not be loved

As I’ve looked back on my life, and even as I look back on recent days, I see all the ways fear has influenced and continues to influence my life. Perhaps fear is too strong a word, and to be kind to myself, cautious might be more appropriate. I’m an extremely, perhaps overly-so, cautious person. “What if” precedes any decision I make.

Here are a couple of forks in the road of my life, in which I took the “safe” path:

Three Choices: I had just graduated from high school. In my junior year, my mother had moved to Tulsa, leaving my four siblings and I to live with my father. My father was preparing to sell our family home and relocate to Wichita, KS to take a new job. I had to make the choice of staying in California, where I’d need to support myself as I attended college, or going with my dad to Wichita, or moving to Tulsa with David, who would eventually become my husband and father of my children. Though I wanted desperately to remain in California, I was AFRAID I wouldn’t be able to support myself. The SAFE thing to do was move to Tulsa, where I felt David would take care of me while we both attended college in Oklahoma. Though that decision resulted in my two kids and now, five grandkids, all who I love dearly, I often wonder what my life would have been like if I’d had the courage to make it on my own in California.

Passion vs. Practicality: From the time I was a little girl, I’ve loved the ocean. As a result, I dreamed of one day being a marine biologist. I was always good at math and science, so it was not an unrealistic passion to have. But once again, my caution and practicality won over my passion and instead, I decided instead to pursue a degree in Business Administration. It was a subject for which I had little passion, but I felt strongly it would give me a good job. Besides, how would I study marine biology in Tulsa, Oklahoma?

My life would have been very different had I taken the other forks while walking the path of these early events. That’s not to say at all that I’m not happy in my life today. I am. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wonder what might have been had I thrown caution to the wind.

Which leads me to today. The winds of fear and caution still blow me onto the path of practicality:

• I want to take up sailing again, but I don’t want to waste money. (If I buy a boat, I’d have to pay for a slip and winter storage.)
• I’d love to buy a camper and join a group like Sisters on the Fly, but again, I don’t want to waste money. Also, I worry about potential mechanical problems I couldn’t resolve on my own,
• With many of the scenes I write or attempt to write in my memoir, I hesitate to be completely honest, concerned for what relevant people might think.

There are plenty of other things I could add to that list, but it’s time for me to continue packing and proceeding with the rest of my day. Or, is it really because I’m too cautious to let out too many of my secrets? 🙂